Hollow..

This hard facade hides in anguish so unreal..
an unrelenting torment you'd never want to feel.

Look here, here past my eyes..
to find where pain forever lies..

A fate so much worse than death..
misery lingers on my every breath..

Now with all loves energy spent..
my heart is left twisted and bent..

Your heart, your love eluded me..
mine is a love, you could never see..

Yes, I'm the one, the one who cares..
and I'm the one who will be there..

I'll carry you over stormy tides..
but I'm left hollow here inside..

Cursed to a sad loveless existence..
still driven by passion so intense..

My strength is drained, I'm left helpless..
I'm drowning in darkened emptiness..

I can't see past tomorrow..
without you I'm left hollow..

I am hollow I am the hollow man Here before you I stand Yes, I am the hollow man

THOUGHTS ON BREAKING UP

Love songs has never been too striking for me as it is right now.. Perhaps, having first hand love experiences has a lot to do with it. Love songs that trouble me every time I hear them usually have lyrics along these lines :

“I did my best, but I guess wasn’t good enough”
“Please release me, let me go”

Those unfortunately makes me rekindle of a catastrophic love affair that i got into. Such lines either reflect or reinforce the idea that in order to break up with someone we need their cooperation, or even permission in some way. What troubles me about this is hearing a woman say how unhappy she is in a relationship yet, when I ask her, "Have you considered breaking up with him?" I’m most likely to get an indirect response, a rather well thought-out rationale response to simply say, "He doesn't want to talk about it." or "He won't understand."

Now I want to clear up that I don't believe in just casually disappearing out of someone's life either. A key recourse in an unhappy relationship is to discuss out the problems involved and work together to be more giving and considerate of each other. But when the very issue of communication, cooperation or consideration are lacking to begin with, trying to talk out the problem becomes a problem in itself.

But when a person has finally reached the end of their rope and things just don't show any promise of getting better due to the unwillingness of the other partner I believe it's then time to make one final, clear statement of things and, if there is still no genuine effort to make things better, simply inform the person there is no longer an exclusive status to the relationship. "It's over, I hope we can stay friends.

I say this because I've seen too many good-hearted men and women wait and stew for an agreement from their uncooperative, unloving mate that it's time to break up. I, for one, have been through such ghastly relationship finale – the very first girl that I decided give my heart to formally ended up going with another guy as her idea of breaking up with me. It took me years to get back my sanity and pull myself back to circulation. I could not have done it without the help of few true friends. Personally, unlike a beginning a relationship, ending one does not really necessitates mutual effort. Perhaps it could have been a lot better if she opted to close it formally and in good terms.

If, as time passes, it is discovered that this person we've met has the willingness to receive all the love we are willing to give, but is lackluster in their own enthusiasm to give any love back.. I believe it's perfectly proper to stop and say, "I love you, but your behavior is unacceptable for this deep a relationship." With acquaintances, friends, family it's easier to give once in a while in a much less intimate way even if they do not reciprocate. We may not like it when they don't, but the relationship is not as close as the exclusive one between one man and one woman. If stopping the show with our beloved and making our unhappiness clear to them isn't enough to stir them from losing us, it's quite possible theirs is only an endeared affection they have for us.. but not sacrificial love that seeks the pleasure of the beloved.

In love, it is our joy and responsibility to give in the way we relate to our beloved. But love is not -all- a matter of us giving. In seeking the best for our loved one we must take the initiative to let them know that they do this love an injustice by living with a selfish stance. And so it is that we must not only give love, but also accountably require it of the one that would stand so near to us and whisper, "I love you." We must do it to keep love balanced, to maintain our self-respect and for the betterment of the one we love.

It was magical

It started with the word “flowery,” a compliment tainted with an ounce of sarcasm, she had other interpretation and drove her to draw first blood over a forum’s inbox. Then before they even realized it, they find themselves wanting to receive an email from the other.

They wrote for days. Messages were simple, yet deep and heartfelt, light and cerebral, the topics veered wildly, nothing was out of reach, nothing was forbidden. They always said too much. They’d helplessly watch the words escaping their fingertips, sometimes floating from their thoughts, sometimes feeling spit out, regurgitated like they’d already gone in, but had no choice but to come back out.

Then they met, shifting to exchange of words in the flesh. Their reactions were varied. At such moment he could not read her, could not gauge, asked instead, tired of reading between invisible lines, yet she was evasive, his feelings betraying her. But something was there, it was apparent he could see it if he looked hard and long enough, stared into those wonderful eyes. Neither did he realize of doing the same thing. She looked inside of him, saw places he thought were hidden. He liked to think no one could see inside, no one could see what he chose not to share, but he could. This frightened and intrigued him, and he loved her for her ability to know him like no one else had.

Then somewhere in the middle of their conversation, silence just grew, it purports to be a logical conclusion to so many words expended. They paused and looked into each others’ eyes, searching, looking for answers, for opinions, for emotions not yet expressed, and finding it in those moments she reached for him as she shyly turned closer to him.

A light brushing of fingers on the face, a casual rearranging of hair, leaning in for a kiss, it was never obvious or bold, but subtle, almost a physical whisper. It seemed they’d reached an impasse, not just a silence. It seemed they’d gone far away from each other’s mind, but ironically this distance attracted them more.

It was ‘a spontaneous surge of affection.’ A surge of feeling, as both were trying to turn away from each other. The need to express their selves in that moment was too overwhelming to resist. One brush of a finger, or a rearranging of his hair and her surge electrified him. He was alive with sensation, felt it throughout his body, her surge became his and every time it worked, every time it started them on several more hours of physical exploration. The psyches were left behind, leaving only physical and emotional sensation. The rest was spent, exhausted, but the new realm lay left unexplored and they pursued it, explored it, all night long.

It was a sensation incarnate, his whole body moved with hers, their mouths were one mouth, their tongues were one tongue, they melted into each other.

It was magical It was more than “flowery” statements could express. Feelings intended to be kept, but too arduous to suppress.

Schmaltzy Love Escapade..

I remember the last time when I was indirectly rejected. But the funny thing about it is the fact I didn't really get so engross at it. It can be hard to be around someone who has feelings for you, when those feelings are not shared.

That was only few weeks with a college classmate. I thought I was falling for her, she, on the other hand was officially committed with another guy, she felt little for me, other than 'surges of affection', displayed in an ambiguous manner, which I clung to, as if I’m like a dog, with any bone she threw to me was good enough.

I know what both sides are like, I know rejection, and I know rejecting. Talking to people from my past, dredging up feelings best left there, in that past, and being told that there are no feelings for me, and I should know this, I should know better. I’ve been there! This particular 'her' felt confused, and still feels the same, and for me to try to relate what I feel is not only futile, but embarrassing, and ultimately mortifying.

And then there was my best friend, the one I made the mistake of kissing, and that was only because I was missing someone else, I was lonely, and alcohol was running in my veins at that instant – I happen to have low alcohol tolerance, or it’s just I only drink it once in a blue moon. I was longing, horribly, for someone or maybe something. And she never forgot, nor mind about it, until I had to be someone I never want to be again, and tell her to go away, yet she opted to stay with me - as her friend or in any way I pleased.

Just as the ones I've hurt and rejected have stepped away, walked away, left for good and never looked back to see if I was looking at them still, I should do the same. I'm amazed I don't, and ask myself, what is this doggedness, what is this hold on to a past that was never meant to be, as if holding on to it will somehow haulage any and all moments transpired then at this instant, make them happen all over again, and create new memories to which to cling with the same pointless end.. so stupid of me right? or perhaps a hopeless romantic in the making?

I haven't felt anything for anyone in the longest time, other than empathy and compassion, while maintaining distance, steeling myself after months of unfulfilled and quite dramatic longing for an inappropriate partner who would never be and from the lady who draw first blood in my heart. And lately it's been joyride, tekken, internet, job, pets, chit chat with friends, etc. I built my walls back up, I haven't let them down. Oh, well not until recently..

Right now, I'm releasing myself of any and all feelings of hurt and derision, for I won't allow any of that now. I feel nothing. It was a long time ago, and I no longer feel a thing. It's all about me now, there is only me, my room filled with my belongings, the ever loyal pets, and a future that I’m looking forward to optimistically.

That is all..

Nah, right now I have already somebody who I can call my own. Somebody, I'm willing to walk miles with for the rest of my life..

Quite a twist right?

Life sucks?

At times I wonder if things are meant to be so damn hard. As I look back on the last 23 years, I am overwhelmed with the amount of melancholy I have felt, by the hands of others, and myself. It was recurring. When you grow up in a home where your siblings happens to be great achievers, and your parents are expecting you to be at least like them, literally.. then how can you develop a good sense of your self worth? After years of this, how could you do anything but come to believe that what has been said could be nothing short of the truth?

When you are coerced, emotionally and physically, for the most momentous developmental years of your life, is it really hard to comprehend why you would grow up to accept this way of life as the norm? It is a very sad fact of life - you learn what you live.

But, when you finally realize that this does not have to be the case, how do you dig underneath all of the frustration and exhaustion, how far are you going to throw them, to find the real you? Or do you have to start all over, from scratch, and make up a whole new person?

I promised myself I will do with the best of my human capacity to satisfy people with their expectations about me for the interim. I set aside my dreams of either taking a religious vocation or plunging into a computer-related course to supplement my burning passion for gadgetry.

I took Accountancy, the school curriculum didn’t offer marginal allowance for failure, you only have a single slot! lose it once then it’s goodbye for you. Half hearted, I managed to consistently pull myself successfully with every challenges I faced. Even managed to finished my parent’s chosen course with flying colors and passed the board exam – an exam consistently rated 2nd most difficult licensure exam, holding the 1st position are those of lawyers..

Looking back to all the things I have done, if feel like it’s time for me to do things my own way this time.

However, as I find myself sitting at our house terrace once again, I realized that when you are on a journey to "find yourself", it is more likely to look at other people and say, that is who I would like to be, free of the burdens, the frustrations. But, thankfully, these days, I am instead saying, I just want to be ME. And I am learning to accept the fact that those things are already a part of my individuality. Everything, whether you like it or not, whether planned or spontaneous, happens for a reason.. we may never know if it’s going to be for the betterment of us, but at least you’ll just have to be optimistic and be ready for it.

I just need to find out what the rest of me looks like.

I Wonder..

Our lives are similar to each other in many ways, and yet we are each unique — we are each busy with many tasks and responsibilities every day — truly, we are expert jugglers, aren’t we? It’s called multi-tasking nowadays, and it seems that more and more of us are functioning that way. Yet, it can lead to feeling a lack of clarity and focus and even make us question our purpose.. Sometimes, at the end of the day, i started to sit back and let my mind wander, it's from them that i get to ask this question:

Do I ever wonder what got done that really mattered? When it can be hard to keep sight of one's vision.. and my values nowadays..

Games I used to play..

Technology has affected every bit of people’s lives.. and it goes even to simple things like the idea of fun. Games to be specific. Do people play games any more? Do we have the attention span in this fast-paced, instant gratification world of ours?

We played a lot of games when I was growing up – time-honored ones like hide and seek, marbles, shatong, can and slipper games, most of them are group games and are to be played outdoors. I can still evoke how each game tends to heighten my adrenaline. I got my first few bruises from playing those games. I broke my right elbow when I was playing “Hide and Seek,” with my desire to be the last to be caught up, I decided to do the unthinkable, climbed up to our neighbor’s old house and unfortunately the ceiling wasn’t able to support my weight and I ended up crashing towards the floor, upside down. On another incident, I also broke one of my rib bones while playing “shatong,” phew! so much of my injuries. What’s surprising though was i could like play the entire day and still have much spare energy to grab something to bite afterwards.

During long hours, at times when i got stuck in our house on a rainy afternoon, I remember sitting on the floor of our living room with my sisters, playing Monopoly. Our eldest was never one to deliberately lose a just game because my other sister and I were basically not as wise as she was back then. You had to be sharp to beat her, but what a sense of accomplishment when you did. Monopoly has got to be the longest game in the world - it goes on endlessly. But it was one favorite of ours throughout my childhood. There’s also “Scrabble.” One memorable game of scrabble we played with my parents once. The game was dead serious, and it so happened that I’m the kind of person who looks at my letters and slaps something down in the first couple of minutes. My dad, not have so much to take out of her English vocabulary chest usually took ten minutes to examine every single possibility. Since there were four of us playing, this made the game go on forever and after the first couple of hours I had a major tantrum and ended up leaving.

The last board game I played was about a month ago. My friend Leanard and I agreed to have a game by my next visit. By the time I paid him a visit again, we ended up playing the same board game, but the laptop game version, we set up the game for the four of us who were playing, and the laptop. When it wasn’t his turn. His brother, who is a master of computer games, particularly lost interest in the slow-paced board game. The game was fun, but somehow having someone checking e-mail on the side kind of detracted from the experience I remember playing the game with my mother when I was a kid.

Maybe that’s how games have evolved in this high tech world of ours. Kinda sad to lose that slow, lazy pace of spending a rainy afternoon lost in a game and trying real hard to finally beat your sister. Or those games that doesn’t totally entail spending your allowances to fancy game cards. Old games may tend to be bone breaking, but it’s from those experiences that you get to even reminisce more.